enough self-reflection already

with tomorrow beginning september, summer is basically over.  i kind of can't believe it, and i'm a little sad that matsy's first summer is gone so quickly!  but, in true marisa-style, i am making myself realize that the end of summer is the beginning of fall, and there are SO many fun things to look forward to with fall!  my parents are coming to visit (yay!), football season (and while i'm not looking forward to the incessant games, i am looking forward to football parties), sweaters, changing leaves, weather cooling off and letting me open up the house and wake up to fresh air.  and, perhaps best of all: SOUP.  yes, soup.  i realized this year that i really love soup.  you just can't make it too often during the summer since it's, by nature, hot.  like so many things, though, now that i can cook really good soup from scratch, the canned stuff just tastes kind of yucky and way too salty to me now.  alas.  but, without further ado, my favorite soup recipes in no particular order.

1. baked potato soup
2. roasted chicken and wild rice soup
3. ham, corn, and white bean soup
4. white chili
5. tortellini soup (which has been a favorite to bring to friends with new babies this year)
6. homemade chicken soup

now i just need denver to kick this 90* streak.

tricks

i feel like every day with a baby is full of new milestones and tricks.  tonight, for instance, he started sitting unassisted!  (for, you know, like 10 seconds before he would topple to the side.  but still, 10 seconds of sitting on his own!)  it was just a few weeks ago that he started pushing up on his arms, and now he won't stop pushing up - he just needs to figure out how to pull his knees up under him and he'll be off.  also just a few weeks ago he started flipping onto his belly every time we put him down, but we were so frustrated that he'd flip in his sleep, then freak out about it at 2am.  he hasn't woken us up lately, though, and tonight showed us that he can flip back onto his back - maybe he's been practicing in the middle of the night?  it's so much fun to watch him and encourage him and take delight in his new skills with scott.  i always thought it kind of ridiculous that parents sit around and watch their kids like the kid is tv, but i get it now.
_________

i think i'm beginning to get a tiny inkling of insight into why moms are the way they are.  he and i don't really have any boundaries at the moment - i am fully up in matson's business all day, every day.  he has a crusty booger, i stick my finger in his nose and pull it out; he has a poopy diaper, i wipe him up and check his little crack and creases to make sure everything's clean; he cries and i scoop him up, hug him, kiss him, feed him, put him down for a nap, whatever it takes to make him happy again.  i take care of him, and somehow as a result want to take care of the rest of the world, too.

it makes me sad to realize that there's going to come a day that he'll be crying and won't want to tell me what's wrong or will have a problem can't be fixed by a hug from me.  i want his little life to be happy and perfect - i've put a lot of effort into making it good thus far, and while i very committedly don't want to spoil him or coddle him unnecessarily ... i also really want to make his life happy and perfect for as long as i can.  even when he's 30 and has kids of his own.  there is certainly (and not anytime soon, thank goodness!) a gradual transition from him being utterly relient on me to being an independent person, and i do very much want him to be a strong, independent man.  nonetheless, i think it'll be hard to put up boundaries where there currently are none, to let him take care of himself and likely stumble and learn along the way instead of scooping him up and making everything right.

changes, changes

life has changed so dramatically over the last six months.
six months ago, i was 36 weeks pregnant, working full time, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

five months ago, i was 40 weeks pregnant, home on early maternity leave, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

four months ago, i had a two week old baby who had just started sleeping through the night, loved him and was glad to have him, but also kind of thought i may have ruined our happy life by deciding to have him and felt totally crazy.

three months ago, i had a snuggly seven week old baby, had put in my notice at work, was slowly but surely finding a rhythm in our new life, and was eagerly anticipating our first roadtrip with matson (and 10 whole days with scott!).

two months ago, i was kind of reeling from the fact that i had asked the previous week to go back to work part time but my office said no, trying to figure out ways to get plugged into ministry and volunteer opportunities with matsy so that we'd be doing something productive and not just sitting around at home alone, but also realizing that eleven weeks is an awesome age and feeling sad for people who have to go back to work at that point - mats was just starting to get so fun!

one month ago, i was back to feeling nice and settled, looking up new recipes, desperately trying to avoid housework, and driving mats all over the front range with my mom and brother visiting.

which brings us to today: realizing that this is real life and not just summer vacation or maternity leave, sometimes still missing having a full time job but knowing that it wouldn't be the same, loving playtime with matson and seeing him discover life - like spend twenty minutes trying to grab his feet through his footie pajamas, glad that scott's starting his mba program this week but not looking forward to him being tied up with school work, and trying to figure out what the future holds for us and where mats and i should get involved.

i realized this week as i was reflecting on the ups and downs of this summer:

1. leaving work and having a baby are two huge stressors and it's normal to feel these ups and downs.
2. most of my friends who are now full time moms had either been working from home or had already left work prior to having their baby which is somehow very different than leaving a full time job at the same time that you have your baby and potentially why i felt like none of my friends had experienced quite what i was going through (although they were still very supportive).
3. i was at my job for four years - the same amount of time i was in college.  even though it had been "just a job", that's still a significant length of time to get used to the relationships at work and that certain rhythm of life.
4. i'm grieving my job and "old life" - and that's good!  i want life to feel happy and normal rightnowplease, and it really truly does most days.  mats and i genuinely have a great time together.  but, scott and i had a really good thing going and i'm glad that i enjoyed my job and our pre-baby early marriage years enough to miss them when they're gone.  grief leads to healing, and even though there are moments (moments now, days and weeks earlier this summer) where it's hard, it's a good thing to go through.
5. god has blessed me pretty significantly.  for some reason, when i feel stressed i also feel lonely.  yet one consistent theme of this summer has been friends.  hanging out and talking with old friends, meeting and getting to know new friends, etc.  on one particularly lonely day, it suddenly occurred to me that i had put five new contacts into my phone that week alone - god has truly given me an abundance of friends to remind me that i'm not alone.  (i know i'm not alone ever in that i always have god to rely on ... but i really like the tangible reminder.)
6. we have a pretty awesome life ahead of us.  things i'm looking forward to this fall and winter include in no particular order: starting to attend mops and a women's bible study at church, playdates with my new mom friends from nourish, hiking and camping with friends this next weekend, matsy starting solid foods sometime in the next six weeks (okay, that one makes me mopey - i like him being my tiny baby who nurses exclusively!), christmas with my parents at their house back in illinois, my parents visiting us here for a whole week in october, hosting a mom brunch, a friend from college stopping by for a few days on a roadtrip west, taking mats to things like free museum and zoo days, a fancy dinner with my sweet husband, seeing scott be excited to learn things in his mba program, and on.  this is life, and it'll change without warning, but it will be good.

a day at 4.5 month

matsy is 4.5 months old now, and it is crazy how time is flying!  i clearly decided to stay home with him and am thrilled with that choice thus far - but more on that later.  i was just browsing back through my blog, lamenting my lack of recent posts, and came across our 1-month "day in the life" post.  i loved re-reading it and reminiscing on how much life has changed, so you get another one!

• 1:49am - little turkey awakes crying.  he loves flipping onto his belly these days, but even though he knows how to roll back, he doesn't do it very often and hasn't put together that those two actions can go hand in hand.  (which is fine, because he'll be mobile once he does put them together!)  i think the number one reason why he cries in the middle of the night anymore is because he's on his belly, wakes up, and gets freaked out by being on his belly alone in a dark room.  i can get that.  anyway, i gave him his pacifier, stroked his forehead, patted his tush, gave him his snuggly blanket (crocheted for him by grandma anne), and he went back to sleep.  one of these days i might make him cry it out when he wakes up like this in the middle of the night, but that day is not today.
• 2:45am - crying, again.  for real, kid?  i promise this is a super rare occurence - i'd say at least 90% of the time, he'll sleep straight through the night without waking up.  we've just been on vacation for the last week and a half, though, and i think he's still re-adjusting.  not sure what his problem was this time - maybe he bumped his head on the side of the crib through the bumper?  either way, paci, stroke the face, let him hold my finger, and he's back out.
• 5:45am - scott gets up for the day.  he does his bible reading and prayer time in the mornings before work.  i really need to work on prioritizing that, because i haven't done my bible reading in an embarassingly long time.
• 6:45am - my alarm goes off, but i loaf in bed for a few minutes.  then i hear matsy talking to himself in his crib and decide to brush my teeth and get my contacts in before he needs to eat.  mid-tooth brushing, scott comes in and asks if i want him to get dino (one of our current favorite nicknames for mats) for me.  i ask him to hold off until i get my contacts in.  it's really sweet how much scott loves matson.  he's always the one who wants to get mats up from a nap just to play or to snuggle.  don't get me wrong, he's also very responsible ... he just loves hanging out with mats!
• 7:00am - i feed mats.  we're still nursing full time and it's going well!  honestly, nursing matsy is probably my favorite time(s) of the day.  probably around 2 months, i decided that we needed a consistent wake up time for the day.  i picked 7am, in part because that's typically when he starts to stir anyway, and in part because that way we're up and get to see scott before leaves for the day.  sometimes matsy will wake up on his own around 6:45-7, which is fine.  if he's asleep, though, i'll let him sleep until 7:15 before i get him up.
• 7:30am - matsy's done eating, and scott appears to ask if mats needs a fresh diaper.  (impeccable timing!)  while he changes matsy, i head to the kitchen to grab my pump.  i haven't pumped in probably two weeks since i didn't take it with on vacation, so i got a good 4oz.  scott deposits matsy on our bed when he's changed and gets ready for work while i pump.  scott leaves around 7:45, and mats for some reason starts melting down as soon as scott leaves.  i pump one-handed and dangle matson's giant purple elephant over him, talk to him, help him sit up, even set aside the pumping to walk matsy around the house and flirt with him in the mirror (sometimes he gets cranky if he feels you're not paying full attention to him), but he's still clearly ready for a nap by 8am.
• 8:00am - nap time!  we had tried to use a sleep sheep as a white noise option for matson, but the thing turns off after like 45 minutes - not conducive to helping him take a good long nap!  i bought a cd player/ipod dock with the intention of downloading a white noise track on an old ipod and using that for naps, but the first time i turned the stereo on, it was on a staticky radio station.  mats seemed to like it, so now i just turn that on during his daytime naps.  (he doesn't sleep with any white noise at night - just his humidifier and admittedly loud ceiling fan.)  he fussed for a few minutes, but then passed out.
• 8:15am - meanwhile, i check facebook, send a few e-mails, read my google reader blogs.  yes, a waste of time on most counts ... whatever.
• 9:00am - shower and get ready for the day.  i've lost weight like crazy since matsy was born.  it's totally not been on purpose - i haven't been dieting at all since i know that my body is what's providing matsy's nourishment right now.  nonetheless, 4.5 months in, i find myself about 6-7 pounds under my pre-pregnancy weight.  as such, i took the opportunity this morning to try on some skirts that i hadn't worn in a while because they were getting snug - and they fit again!  i was excited.
• 10:00am - get a bowl of cereal (cheerios with a banana cut up in it - yummy!)  matsy's still asleep, so i eat.
• 10:15am - still asleep, so i finally get him up to eat.  he'd leaked around his diaper and the side of one of his hips was wet, so i decide to change him before he eats.  he was not a fan of being awake and hungry but not being fed.  i typically change him afterward just because i like routine and it helps keep him awake.  it used to, at least, when he was tiny and that sort of thing mattered.  now, i don't think he really needs to be woken up to stay awake ... but like i said, i like routine.  that, and eating tends to be a favorite time to poop.
• 10:45am - his little back is really scaly, so i take him back to his room to lotion him up.  i had noticed some eczema patches and was worried that he had allergies or something going on - nope, just dry skin, according to his pediatrician.  she told us to use better lotions like aveeno and eucerin (no baby lotions), so he gets to use my anti-itch winter aveeno lotion.  kid has expensive taste.
• 11:00am - target run!  we're taking dinner to a friend with a new baby tonight, but i'm out of green beans, and since the meal consists of honey mustard chicken, couscous, and green beans, it's worthy of a special trip.  i needed to go anyway at some point this week, since we're also out of face wash and the lid to a bin that i bought a few weeks ago to house his nb-3 month clothes was broken.  by the time that we're done there, mats is beyond tired - even his pacifier isn't doing the trick!  and of course i forgot to bring his cozy blankie.  alas, i get to be that mom at target with the screaming kid.  i promise he's typically super mellow!
• 12:00pm - get home, mats goes down for a nap.  i start this blog post (hello!).  he's going to eat again at 1, though, and we're heading to our friend's with the new baby (potential future girlfriend for matsy) right after he eats, so i'm off to eat lunch, make dinner, and start a load of laundry.  25 minutes - wish me luck!
• 1:10pm - laundry started, dinner cooking, lunch eaten, so i get matsy up to feed him.
• 1:45pm - baby's fed, burped, changed, loaded into his carseat, new load of laundry is running, dinner is packed up, and we head out to our friend's house.  mats spends the car ride there squeaking and cooing in bliss.  seriously adorable.
• 2:20pm - arrive at friend's house.  her husband is still home on paternity leave (he gets 13 days!  lucky!), but they let me intrude on their afternoon to hold their sweet baby girl and chat.  my friend holds matsy and marvels at how much he's grown in the month since i saw her last.  also, and this is new, he's afraid of their dog!  he's always been fine with her in the past, and even would reach out to grab the fur of another friend's dog last week in minnesota.  today, though, abby would come stick her face in his, and he would just yell in fear!  poor baby.
• 3:15pm - head home.  i still occasionally get books/cds from the denver library because they have a better selection than my local library district, but since it's a further drive to any of the locations (10-12 minutes minimum), i like to take the opportunity to combine library trips with other errands whenever possible.  one branch is more or less on the way home from their house, so i dropped off a book that scott just finished (the girl who kicked the hornet's nest) and a cd that was due back last week.  not looking forward to that fine.
• 3:50pm - home!  matson's next scheduled feeding time isn't officially until 4:00, but i go ahead and feed him since he's awake now.  my mom calls in the middle of it and we chat for a while, then my dad got home and walked me through how to set up an old unused laptop as a wireless printer server.  so tech savvy.
• 4:30pm - i had set mats down on his back on his little baby gym while i was running around doing the printer stuff, but when i came downstairs after hanging up with my parents, he was on his tummy, pushed up on his arms and grinning at me!  such a sweet little boy.  i tossed him a mardi gras necklace to play with (he loves how shiny they are, i think) while i caught up on e-mails from the day.  he merrily played with the necklace, gnawed on a washcloth that was on his playmat for some reason, and rotated himself in a full 360* circle while on his tummy.  he's nothing if not active.  i also noticed a few bent staples on the necklace, so if you're going to let your baby play with mardi gras beads, be aware!
• 5:10pm - fussy fussy fussy.  i get his cozy blankie and put him in his crib with the staticky radio on.  he continues to fuss, and i let it go for a while, but it starts to escalate around 5:30, so i head up there to see what's going on.  lo and behold, he'd flipped onto his tummy and didn't know how to get off of it.  i put him back on his back, gave him his pacifier and blankie, and stroked his forehead until he calmed down.  scott called to let me know he'll be home around 6 - hooray!  we're planning to work out tonight, but i feel like i might should get chicken at least thawed for dinner.  in the meantime, i also watched the promo videos for the pioneer woman's new food network show.  made me kind of excited that we're getting cable back for football season!  (i feel like i've been way less impacted by going to basic cable for the summer than i had anticipated.)
• 5:46pm - he's fussing again, so i go up to check on him and the tiny turkey flips onto his tummy as i'm standing there watching.  he had ditched his paci on the opposite side of his crib and then migrated.  oh matson.  i give him his paci again, pat his tush, rub his head, and he seems to calm down.
• 5:49pm - just got the chicken out ... and crying.  this is where scott would say in a stern voice, "captain ..." (captain being our other main nickname for mats besides dino.)  i run up to check on him (a video monitor would be so handy), and he's on his side where i left him.  i figure at this point he has to be so tired that he'll figure it out, so i leave him crying.
• 5:52pm - ahhh, silence.
• 5:56pm - cooing and happy squeaks emanate from matson's room.  adorable, but for real, kid?
• 6:00pm - and we're back to crying.  at this point, i'm leaving him be and he'll likely be able to coax scott to rescue him when he gets home.  this is, for the record, typically matsy's worst nap of the day.  (i don't think he slept at all after his 1:00 feeding, but he was happy as a clam to be awake, at least.)
• 6:30pm - off to the gym!  matsy was totally content once scott picked him up, of course.  we left him with the babysitter at the gym ($2.25/hour - i think we can swing that!), and apparently she commented to scott when he picked matsy up that he was giggling and smiling the whole time, and asked if anyone has ever told us how strong and active he is for his age.  short answer: yes!
• 7:10pm - i finished my workout (elliptical, stretching, weight machines - my usual) and picked up matsy from scott.  the gym nursery closes at 7, so scott picked him up so that i could do a full workout and get cappy home in time to eat while he (scott) would finish up his workout and then run home.
• 7:45pm - finished feeding the little man, and on to making dinner!  matsy fell asleep mid-feeding (shocker, since he skipped two naps) and i utilized the time to trim his finger nails.  one of our best manicures yet, i must say!  he's typically so wiggly and resistant to having his hands held still, so this was rather refreshing.
• 8:00pm - scott gets home from his workout and run.  he texts a former co-worker with our address - she had found a giftcard to a really nice steakhouse near us that was left in a former executive's desk at his old job, and she, scott, and another of their work friends had intended to go do lunch there together, but it never happened.  she and her husband live across the metro area, so she's sending it to us to use!
• 8:15pm - dinner's ready, so scott puts our cranky captain down for a nap in his swing while we actually sit at the table and talk over dinner!  it was rather refreshing.
• 8:45pm - scott showers, then we hang out and look at his book list for his online class (ordered his books for the on-campus class yesterday).  also, he finds out that there are apparently several pepole in the class with less than 5 week olds.  wow!  i order his book online and am slightly aggrieved that it costs $190.  we ordered four books yesterday for his on campus class, and all together they cost $50.
• 9:30pm - i'm projecting into the future now, but we'll wake matsy up at 9:30, feed him, change him into a disposable diaper and pj's midway through, then put him right back to bed after he eats.  we'll likely get into bed around 10:15.

and on that note, happy monday, friends!  hope you've had as lovely of a day as we have.

rei giftcard link

wow, i haven't posted on here since may!  i'm working on changing that.  in the meantime, though, i was catching up on my blog reading post-vacation (we spent a week in minnesota with scott's family, and i came away with 103 unread posts ... not sure they'll all get read!), and saw that the frugal girl is offering a $100 REI giftcard.  i love the frugal girl, and i love rei, so i'm entering.  and i think you should, too.  (plus, i get an extra entry for mentioning the giveaway on my blog - done and done!)  it looks like it's open to entries for another month (til 9/20), but there are only 330 entries so far.  your chances are good!
go here to enter: http://www.thefrugalgirl.com/2011/08/we-took-a-trip-to-rei-the-six-of-us-did/