changes, changes

life has changed so dramatically over the last six months.
six months ago, i was 36 weeks pregnant, working full time, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

five months ago, i was 40 weeks pregnant, home on early maternity leave, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

four months ago, i had a two week old baby who had just started sleeping through the night, loved him and was glad to have him, but also kind of thought i may have ruined our happy life by deciding to have him and felt totally crazy.

three months ago, i had a snuggly seven week old baby, had put in my notice at work, was slowly but surely finding a rhythm in our new life, and was eagerly anticipating our first roadtrip with matson (and 10 whole days with scott!).

two months ago, i was kind of reeling from the fact that i had asked the previous week to go back to work part time but my office said no, trying to figure out ways to get plugged into ministry and volunteer opportunities with matsy so that we'd be doing something productive and not just sitting around at home alone, but also realizing that eleven weeks is an awesome age and feeling sad for people who have to go back to work at that point - mats was just starting to get so fun!

one month ago, i was back to feeling nice and settled, looking up new recipes, desperately trying to avoid housework, and driving mats all over the front range with my mom and brother visiting.

which brings us to today: realizing that this is real life and not just summer vacation or maternity leave, sometimes still missing having a full time job but knowing that it wouldn't be the same, loving playtime with matson and seeing him discover life - like spend twenty minutes trying to grab his feet through his footie pajamas, glad that scott's starting his mba program this week but not looking forward to him being tied up with school work, and trying to figure out what the future holds for us and where mats and i should get involved.

i realized this week as i was reflecting on the ups and downs of this summer:

1. leaving work and having a baby are two huge stressors and it's normal to feel these ups and downs.
2. most of my friends who are now full time moms had either been working from home or had already left work prior to having their baby which is somehow very different than leaving a full time job at the same time that you have your baby and potentially why i felt like none of my friends had experienced quite what i was going through (although they were still very supportive).
3. i was at my job for four years - the same amount of time i was in college.  even though it had been "just a job", that's still a significant length of time to get used to the relationships at work and that certain rhythm of life.
4. i'm grieving my job and "old life" - and that's good!  i want life to feel happy and normal rightnowplease, and it really truly does most days.  mats and i genuinely have a great time together.  but, scott and i had a really good thing going and i'm glad that i enjoyed my job and our pre-baby early marriage years enough to miss them when they're gone.  grief leads to healing, and even though there are moments (moments now, days and weeks earlier this summer) where it's hard, it's a good thing to go through.
5. god has blessed me pretty significantly.  for some reason, when i feel stressed i also feel lonely.  yet one consistent theme of this summer has been friends.  hanging out and talking with old friends, meeting and getting to know new friends, etc.  on one particularly lonely day, it suddenly occurred to me that i had put five new contacts into my phone that week alone - god has truly given me an abundance of friends to remind me that i'm not alone.  (i know i'm not alone ever in that i always have god to rely on ... but i really like the tangible reminder.)
6. we have a pretty awesome life ahead of us.  things i'm looking forward to this fall and winter include in no particular order: starting to attend mops and a women's bible study at church, playdates with my new mom friends from nourish, hiking and camping with friends this next weekend, matsy starting solid foods sometime in the next six weeks (okay, that one makes me mopey - i like him being my tiny baby who nurses exclusively!), christmas with my parents at their house back in illinois, my parents visiting us here for a whole week in october, hosting a mom brunch, a friend from college stopping by for a few days on a roadtrip west, taking mats to things like free museum and zoo days, a fancy dinner with my sweet husband, seeing scott be excited to learn things in his mba program, and on.  this is life, and it'll change without warning, but it will be good.

at least i ironed

i am adding "getting up on time" to my list of new year's resolutions ... i've been sleeping in too late (til 6:30 - ridiculous that that's "late") and was 20 minutes late for work today.  no bueno.

in better news, i ironed last night!  it had probably been at least nine months or a year since i last ironed anything, and longer than that since i last did a major batch of ironing.  (ie, there were clothes sitting in my closet for the last year or two not being worn because they were too wrinkly and i didn't want to sit down and iron.  yes, i am that person.)  it was less awful than i thought it would be, though.  i got to go through my closet and find clothes i'd forgotten about, and i was able to do something productive while i watched tv!  major bonus in my book.  (i think the tvs in the cardio section at the gym are a major part of my learning to like working out, not going to lie.)  as i was leaving for work this morning, scott looked at my shirt and asked me if it was new - he was serious, but sadly i've had it for a few years!  it made me laugh.  it is nice feeling like i have a new wardrobe just because my clothes are once again wearable.

scott was home from work by 9 last night which was nice.  (so sad that scott getting off work by 7 seems "early" and 9 seems "not too bad"!)  his company's board meeting is on thursday, so he's mildly optimistic that his work hours will revert at least somewhat to a normal 40 hour week.  it'll still be hectic for a while (specifically til they get their own accounting system in place in the next few months), but hopefully not as much mad crunch time.

no word on the roof stuff - the adjuster called monday night asking to push the appointment back a week because of the snow.  since he kind of needs to be on the roof during the appointment, that made sense to me.  next tuesday morning now, we'll see how it goes!

sheesh

i just finished madness, marya hornbacher's book about her bipolar - it was a much faster read for me than wasted and slightly less intense, but still, holy cow.  i am oh so very thankful that i don't have any mental illness to deal with, and also that my husband doesn't.  in college, i remember reading kay redfield jamison's an unquiet mind (among other memoirs about mental illness, like girl, interrupted and undercurrents), and while i haven't read an unquiet mind in probably four and a half years, the difference between bipolar i (madness) and bipolar ii (unquiet) is really startling.  to the best of my recollection, bipolar i is more severe and is typically marked by more mania and mixed episodes, whereas bipolar ii, while still clearly a major problem, is typically more treatable and involves more depression and fewer major manic episodes.  right?  either way, i feel like madness really rounded out my mental picture of bipolar.  not that it really matters that i have a well-rounded impression of bipolar disorder, but hey, i evidently find it interesting.

next up on my reading list is apparently the narcissism epidemic: living in the age of entitlement - i say "apparently" because i had placed a hold for it at the library and my copy came in this week.  then back to finish up the (i think) four books that i have sitting half-finished at home.  hmm.

and now, since i'm at work, i think i'll go do some work.  most of the office is out at meetings this week, so i'm just sending out some (and by some, i mean like 75) tax documents out certified, which is quite tedious work ... thus i wore my yoga pants and uggs into the office for maximized comfort, and plan on catching up on this season of grey's anatomy on hulu while i work.  i really can't complain.

long weekend

bah! i had to stay at work until 5pm, and i was not a happy camper. just me and one coworker most of the day, and then he left at 3:30 ... the last call that came in was at 1:15 (out of 5 calls total all day - two of which were solicitors, and none of which were important). however, for the next three days ... FREEDOM! hoorah! tonight we're cleaning the house, tomorrow a.m. is helping friends move, tomorrow p.m. we're hosting an event/bbq for our sunday school class, then sunday and monday no plans! (except for likely yard work.)

even better: tonight for dinner, i'm making finally making a lemon pepper shrimp scampi with orzo recipe that i've been moving around the calendar for two months now.