lessons and resolutions

since i'm a goal oriented person, here are some things i've been learning in 2011, and what i want to learn this year:

1. on parenthood
1. lesson: parenthood does not suddenly make you an all-wise, perfect being.  i totally thought it did as a kid. (my parents seemed way more mature to me growing up than i feel right now, even though i'm the same age having mats as they were having me.)  it is, however an inately sanctifying experience.  it reminds me of our first year of marriage in that i'm suddenly seeing my own selfishness magnified against my abrupt closeness with this other person.
2. resolution: be more intentional about placing matson's wants above my own.  even if i have a really good want (like to finish the dishes before scott gets home), it's good to set that aside every once in a while if he is tugging at my leg wanting to play.  even better to let it go if it's a purely selfish want on my part - like hanging out for an hour on the couch browsing pinterest when mats wants attention.  i want him to know that he's more important to me than my laptop or a spotless sink.  (please don't read this to say that i think i should be spending all day doting on my baby ... i really do think independent play is good for both of us, but i think i could also be better about making sure we have simple fun together.)
2. on projects
1. lesson: i'm a big dreamer, and a little follow througher.  this has long been a stumbling block of mine, particularly with big projects, or house cleaning.  (my floor hasn't been mopped since before matson was born.)  i want to do what i say, though.  i've been working on vocalizing fewer project ideas so that i at least don't feel like i'm not following through on anything ... but i also really do want to work on finishing things!
2. resolution: follow through on projects!  i'm going to make a list of things that i have half-baked, and do them.  i'm going to have to get scott's input before finalizing this list, but it's going to include some things like setting up a college savings account for matsy, iras for us, staining our window sills, refinishing our coffee table, and finishing a picnic quilt.
3. on homemaking
1. lesson: for the last nine months, i've been telling myself that my house is messy and we still eat dinner at 8pm because i have a new baby ... but let's face it, he's nine months old now, generally naps well and is good about entertaining himself when he is up.  my house is messy and dinner is late because i choose other things like pinterest and errands and hanging out with friends and reading books.  i want a neat house and a non-rushed evening, though.
2. resolution: read the frugal girl's post about scheduling my time and do something with it!  possibly revisit flylady.net for inspiration.  plan one crock-pot meal per week.
4. on marriage
1. lesson: life is busy, and it's shockingly easy to not get quality time with my sweet husband now that he's added school to the mix and we have a baby.  lucky for him i'm exceedingly self-aware and will happily communicate when i feel like things aren't quite up to par with us.  which is why we're instituting ...
2. resolution: date night!  our date night has been things like take out and watching tv/movies for the last few years, and while that's not bad, it's also not good focused communication time.  since we don't have limitless hang out and communication time anymore, we need to work to get that communication time in there.  so, 1-2 times per month, we're going to do an outside-the-house, matsy-free date together.  could be dinner and a movie, could be a coffee date, could be a bike ride ... but something just the two of us to remember why we chose each other.
5. on cooking
1. lesson: we eat a lot of junk.  we also eat a fair bit of tasty, healthy food ... but my fallback is always things like macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, and potato anything.  as mats is getting closer to eating table food, i think i'm becoming more conscious of this - i feed him things daily which i enjoy but eat rarely.  (zucchini and sweet potato, for instance.)  i want him to enjoy healthful food, though, not just push it aside and want mommy and daddy's soda and cheese fries instead.  (we went to steak 'n shake last night - first one in the state!  and it was awesome.)
2. resolution: experiment with one healthy food at a time.  i go on new recipe kicks sometimes and get overwhelmed.  this year, i'll pick one new healthy food from time to time and go for it.  first up: quinoa!  i've been wanting to learn how to cook with it for a while and found some yummy recipes for it on pinterest, so we'll give it a shot.  easy dinners will remain, but i'll try to limit them in favor of quick healthy dinner options.  also, talk to scott about a soda ban in the house.  (i had started getting generic diet root beer at the grocery store as a treat for myself, which led to us always having soda in the house and drinking it on a pretty much daily basis.  diet so not terrible for us, but also not a good habit.  matsy loves the shiny cans.  hmm.)
6. on faith
1. lesson: i'm pretty bad about prioritizing bible reading time in day-to-day life.  prayer is definitely getting better, but bible time has definitely not been benefited by having a baby.  i joined a women's bible study at church this fall and loved it - totally loved it.  in the five months between having matsy and joining study, though, no time reading the bible (just being honest), and in the month since study ended, also nothing.
2. resolution: stay in bible study.  definitely worth it.  (there are studies offered every fall, spring, and i think even a short one in summer.)  during the off weeks between studies, make sure that i have a game plan for bible time before the break occurs ... and then follow through on it.
7. on finances
1. lesson: i had grand plans of a mostly-unchanged grocery budget once i was staying at home.  umm, yeah, that totally didn't happen!  i'm not sure just how much it didn't happen yet since i haven't done my final budget update of the year with comparisons of budgeted-to-actual spending and year-to-year changes and all that ... but my grocery spending was ridiculous.  my other plans of limiting food waste, eating leftovers, and doing cash for grocery also didn't pan out.  and, scott generally has no idea where we stand with our budget.
2. resolution: revisit my goals from a year ago.  we've switched most of our spending to credit card (which we pay off in full every month) to reap that lovely 1% cash back reward, but i think we really need to go back to cash for grocery for a while, to keep a better handle on where we are with our spending for the month.  i'm also toying with the idea of doing a weekly food waste photo (a la frugal girl) to motivate me on that front.  do my menu planning on tuesday evenings when the grocery ads come in the mail so i can shop produce sales better.  and do a monthly budget update for scott (also per fg).
8. on service
1. lesson: over the last few years, i've realized that my love language is acts of service, and one of my spiritual gifts is also service.  (makes sense.)  i love to help people.  i also want matsy to grow up wanting to help people.  i think it's good to live outside yourself.  for the past few years, i've tutored with whiz kids, but decided not to this year since mats needs to be my priority and scott's work/school schedule could interfere with that commitment with no notice, which isn't fair to the kid i'd tutor.  instead i committed to cooking a meal for the middle school whiz kids, but that happens maybe once a month.  i serve in the nursery at church two sundays a month, but i have lots of great time during the week with matsy, and i really want to be able to use it to help someone (in a way that matsy can do with me).
2. resolution: there's a great ministry in denver called open door ministries, which has a few residential houses to serve homeless men, women coming out of prostitution, and single moms.  i started an application a few weeks ago to babysit for the single moms so that they can do things like work and go to school, but i need to actually finish it.  as a new mom, i understand how totally overwhelming motherhood can be, and i have an awesome support network.  i want to help provide support for other moms, and it seems like it'd be something that i could easily do with matsy during the day or on nights when scott's at class.  also, i want to be open to other service opportunities that come up.

so there we have it!  play with matsy more, make and do a to-do list, schedule my time better, date nights with scott, find healthy new foods to play with, plan in bible reading time, lay the smack down on grocery spending, and babysit for some single moms.

overall our life is in a pretty awesome place, but in general i feel like you're either moving forward or backward, and goals keep me moving forward.  sink or swim!  and for the record, these are all mental goals i've been ruminating on and working toward anyway, i just decided to list them out for better processing and in honor of the new year.

changes, changes

life has changed so dramatically over the last six months.
six months ago, i was 36 weeks pregnant, working full time, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

five months ago, i was 40 weeks pregnant, home on early maternity leave, eagerly anticipating matson's arrival "any day now", and nesting like crazy.

four months ago, i had a two week old baby who had just started sleeping through the night, loved him and was glad to have him, but also kind of thought i may have ruined our happy life by deciding to have him and felt totally crazy.

three months ago, i had a snuggly seven week old baby, had put in my notice at work, was slowly but surely finding a rhythm in our new life, and was eagerly anticipating our first roadtrip with matson (and 10 whole days with scott!).

two months ago, i was kind of reeling from the fact that i had asked the previous week to go back to work part time but my office said no, trying to figure out ways to get plugged into ministry and volunteer opportunities with matsy so that we'd be doing something productive and not just sitting around at home alone, but also realizing that eleven weeks is an awesome age and feeling sad for people who have to go back to work at that point - mats was just starting to get so fun!

one month ago, i was back to feeling nice and settled, looking up new recipes, desperately trying to avoid housework, and driving mats all over the front range with my mom and brother visiting.

which brings us to today: realizing that this is real life and not just summer vacation or maternity leave, sometimes still missing having a full time job but knowing that it wouldn't be the same, loving playtime with matson and seeing him discover life - like spend twenty minutes trying to grab his feet through his footie pajamas, glad that scott's starting his mba program this week but not looking forward to him being tied up with school work, and trying to figure out what the future holds for us and where mats and i should get involved.

i realized this week as i was reflecting on the ups and downs of this summer:

1. leaving work and having a baby are two huge stressors and it's normal to feel these ups and downs.
2. most of my friends who are now full time moms had either been working from home or had already left work prior to having their baby which is somehow very different than leaving a full time job at the same time that you have your baby and potentially why i felt like none of my friends had experienced quite what i was going through (although they were still very supportive).
3. i was at my job for four years - the same amount of time i was in college.  even though it had been "just a job", that's still a significant length of time to get used to the relationships at work and that certain rhythm of life.
4. i'm grieving my job and "old life" - and that's good!  i want life to feel happy and normal rightnowplease, and it really truly does most days.  mats and i genuinely have a great time together.  but, scott and i had a really good thing going and i'm glad that i enjoyed my job and our pre-baby early marriage years enough to miss them when they're gone.  grief leads to healing, and even though there are moments (moments now, days and weeks earlier this summer) where it's hard, it's a good thing to go through.
5. god has blessed me pretty significantly.  for some reason, when i feel stressed i also feel lonely.  yet one consistent theme of this summer has been friends.  hanging out and talking with old friends, meeting and getting to know new friends, etc.  on one particularly lonely day, it suddenly occurred to me that i had put five new contacts into my phone that week alone - god has truly given me an abundance of friends to remind me that i'm not alone.  (i know i'm not alone ever in that i always have god to rely on ... but i really like the tangible reminder.)
6. we have a pretty awesome life ahead of us.  things i'm looking forward to this fall and winter include in no particular order: starting to attend mops and a women's bible study at church, playdates with my new mom friends from nourish, hiking and camping with friends this next weekend, matsy starting solid foods sometime in the next six weeks (okay, that one makes me mopey - i like him being my tiny baby who nurses exclusively!), christmas with my parents at their house back in illinois, my parents visiting us here for a whole week in october, hosting a mom brunch, a friend from college stopping by for a few days on a roadtrip west, taking mats to things like free museum and zoo days, a fancy dinner with my sweet husband, seeing scott be excited to learn things in his mba program, and on.  this is life, and it'll change without warning, but it will be good.

breathe

am i the only person who feels like it's been a few months since christmas, not almost-three weeks?  goodness.  i feel like this year is flying by, but i suppose that realistically it's not.  (not that i'm complaining, but i think the 50* sunny weather with a feel of spring in it is adding to that feeling.  i'll change my tune come the march/april snowstorms.)

we did end up getting a new washing machine last weekend - on friday, i called the repair guy and he said he thought it was likely the drain (or something like that) and would be about $160 to fix.  long story short, we hit up three scratch and dent appliance places late saturday afternoon and ended up with a top loading high efficiency fisher & paykel elba machine from the sears outlet that was on the rebate list - and better yet, it was only $450 before rebate, bringing it down to $300 (plus tax) after rebate!  yes, i would absolutely rather been able to continue using our old washer, but i think this was a good decision given the circumstances.  we did a few loads of laundry tuesday night, and so far i give it two thumbs up.  it's not quite as sexy/flashy as a shiny front loading machine, but it's efficient and it works - cycle times are a few minutes longer (and certainly shorter than a front loader), but drying time is shorter because of the high rpm spin cycles.  and, you know, it does its job of cleaning our clothes and hopefully lowering our bills.

this week has been an odd mix of responsibility and fun: actually mostly busy at work, which is a nice change of pace; lots of fun evenings out - tutoring monday, then hanging out with miranda to watch gilmore last night and meeting girls for coffee tonight; but conversely not much time at home so i feel like i have projects lining up there, and that i want a night to just chill at home with scott.  this weekend is the missions retreat for church, with meetings friday night and allll day saturday - then after church sunday, one of scott's former coworkers is coming over for some help with a project (he's still consulting for them), and we're hosting small group that night.  i'm currently trying to remind myself to breathe and enjoy life as it comes, rather than looking to the next event or trying to find a week with no plans on the calendar.

compatible

in case there was any doubt that scott and i are perfect for each other:

yesterday at church, i walked past the kids' wing on my way to our youngish marrieds class, and caught a glimpse of the elementary-age sunday school program.  it's in a gym with a stage, all of the grade schoolers standing around with the high school youth group volunteers wearing bright green shirts, a guy in a crazy outfit crouched on stage with bright lights, the "crowd" of kids chanting a countdown "4-3-2-1!" and the crazy outfit guy standing and throwing a beach ball into the air while shouting "happy new year!"

i laughed and moved on - then mentioned to scott on our way home from church that a) i could never do youth ministry, and b) i would have hated that sort of sunday school program as a kid.  when i was in maybe 3rd or 4th grade, our church went from a normal sunday school format (bible lesson on a felt board, color a few pictures, sing songs) where you're in the same classroom the whole hour to one where you do the lesson with your teacher, then go into a bigger room to do activities with a few other classes.  i think i went once, and all i remember is that we were supposed to stand in line and take turns acting like our favorite rock star.  umm - i was what, 8?  i listened to amy grant, had never seen mtv - let alone gone to a concert, and was unbelievably shy.  i tried my hardest to stay at the back of the line, and just stood there when my turn came.  after that, i stayed in my normal sunday school room when the rest of the kids went to the activity - my teacher was a friend of my mom's, and told me that i really should go to the activity time, but i'd have to learn something if i wanted to stay in there with her.  i was thrilled with that suggestion, so she taught me the books of the bible in order.

when i finished telling scott the story, he said that when he was in 4th grade, his family switched from a small baptist church to a megachurch with the bigger kids' program.  he was totally shy, hated going, and managed to weasel his way out of it until 7th grade.  then he told me that when he was in shop class in 9th grade (try to imagine that, please), his teacher had them doing book work for the first few weeks and threatened that if they didn't behave themselves, they'd do book work the entire semester and not actually build anything.  oooh.  while i'm sure that was a terrific threat for most of the jr. high boys, scott thought that idea sounded amazing and secretly hoped that - in shop class - they would indeed have to do book work the entire semester.

my take-aways from our shared story time were as follows: a) i wonder how many shy kids there are out there who don't go to the new high energy format sunday school or youth group because it feels awkward and forced to them?  b) this explains so much about our shared level of handiness around the house.  c) our kids have no hope.  no hope of not being shy, and no hope of not being nerds.

lazy lazy weekend

oh my, what a lazy weekend. we had planned on going apple picking with friends yesterday, but then that fell through so scott watched the football game with the alumni assoc downtown while i hung out at home and did laundry and baked. (pumpkin chocolate chip cookies - they turned out very well, even if the recipe does make them a little bit fluffier and cakier than i typically go for. i stepped out to run errands later in the afternoon, came home to the overwhelming smell of baked pumpkin, and found myself craving turkey and mashed potatoes.) we had my office tickets for the nuggets pre-season opener vs. belgrade last night, and scott looked up insults such as "you suck" in serbian on my iphone before i took it away from him. i made up for it by cheering for them - they only had like 40 fans in the entire audience (shocker), so i felt bad. scott tells me that i'm going to be that soccer mom who cheers for the opposing team if they're losing. haha!

today i did even less than yesterday: sunday school, church, lunch with sunday school, then home for a 2.5 hour nap followed by sitting on the couch watching tv and reading john grisham's the innocent man. scott did take me for a walk just now which made me feel at least a little less slothful. aaaaaand, that's my weekend.

i think as an adult i like summer for the same reasons that i liked fall as a kid: it's when new things happen. by mid-summer, i really just wanted a week of doing nothing on my couch at home because we were so busy and traveling and doing new things and hanging out with friends all the time, but now that fall has hit and things are calming down to the point where i can basically spend an entire weekend at home doing nothing, i really miss our fun active summer. and yes, i really was that crazy kid who loved fall because i got to go back to school and see friends and play soccer and be busy. i'm pretty sure i even told me 5th grade teacher that i liked doing homework on weekends.

scott just finished doing his spiritual gifts survey for the application to do children's ministry (we're working in the nursery together once a month starting this fall!), so i'm off to make an evite for a bbq for our sunday school class next weekend. and in case you were wondering, my "spiritual gifts" are administration 89% and servant/helps and hospitality each 78%; scott's are leadership 89% and administration and teaching each 78%.